bpd · depression · mental health · reading · stigma

My other half

jj

Let me introduce you to my other half.

I did not know of them at a young age I just had a sense I was never ‘normal’ not like normal exists anyway but I was different in the sense I didn’t know anyone who truly thought like me.
But to get to the point of the matter…my other half.
So I met them officially in my early 20’s but I had been introduced in my early teens, an arranged marriage of sorts happened, not that I could say I love this person.
No name, don’t think they deserve one really, but in sickness and in health till death do us part I must live with them.

So if you haven’t gathered already my ‘other half’ is not man or woman but very much a person and an existence like you or I. Well not quite but they exist inside of me. No I am not schizophrenic but yes I have a personality disorder a phrase or title of which scares many, not that those who it scares knows anything about it, that statement has no intention of being passive aggressive as I was and still am one of those people.
My other half, what are they like? I know you want to know, sadly many have had the misfortune of meeting them, an impulsive, broken, manipulative and angry person. I ignore them when they take control or ‘pull the strings’ if you will, like a puppet! Not that I let them take control at all, you think I’d allow someone like that to control me? No.
I am still getting to know some of their traits one being paranoia too, add that to the fucking list! If you can’t tell I don’t like them, but then again it’s me… that’s why I did it and that’s why I do it. How can you kill a part of you without killing yourself?
Dramatic statement!!! I know, but close your eyes and put your fingers in your ears if that makes it better, it’s still the truth.

I did acting as a child the art of becoming someone else even if just  for a moment intrigued me, it was an escape. Not much fear would come when the curtains rolled open or the spotlight came on as I wasn’t me.
How does this relate you ask? Besides the obvious it’s because of a stigma I fight and many do, I do not want attention. Hard to believe when I’m screaming in your face, or running around like a mentalist or maybe just covered in bruises or scars. But I don’t do it for attention,  it’s not a choice I make it’s a reality I live with. So roll back the curtains and turn the spotlight on, not because I want you to see but I want those out there who relate, who care to understand when you breakdown it’s always public but they are not cries for attention the spotlight doesn’t hit us as we want you all to see our best performance yet, it comes on to highlight an issue many would prefer to ignore.

Take centre stage my other half.

Those who suffer from medical conditions sometimes have a card or a band or some sort of warning of what to do in an emergency situation but with mental health I feel as though I need to come with a leaflet, an explanation of who you are talking to why you are talking to them and what to say or do, actually more importantly what NOT to do or say. My other half has a way of reading a situation and a person and doing whatever it takes to get what it wants.
Oddly we want the same thing, peace, we just have very different ways of going about achieving it.
But while we live with each other we rarely get it.

So here comes another question, who am I? What makes me and this ‘other half’ so different?
The question of who I am is one I find incredibly hard to answer. I am often so many different versions of myself for different people I struggle to know who I ‘really’ am… am I just trying to make people happy? Am I faking it? What does real genuine emotion feel like????
I have been so fooled by my other half that’s why I must finally introduce her, ok maybe it’s a her I don’t know. I mean it could be a he… it could just be an IT! A demon I once thought maybe? But let me introduce you to my other half the demon? I mean I don’t want to play up to the mentality of well what many would assume as being mental to begin with.

I only wish you could have a day with my other half, then you’d know, then you’d see, thumbnailthen you’d feel the burden… until death do you part.

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