Why did I leave you ask?
You know those movies where it’s dangerous to know the superhero? As one way or another the enemies always find out their true identity, putting everyone they love at risk?
That’s what suffering from mental health can feel like, but far less like a superhero.
It’s like you are the superhero and the villain all at the same time, and you want to save your loved ones from the darkness and the hurt and the pain so you leave, you push them away, you can even say harsh words because deep down you think you’re saving them from yourself, a monster that you know all too well.
I felt like a monster for a long time. Unable to love myself, I even surprised myself to the lengths I despised my very existence. So if you try and look at it through my eyes everything that could have been portrayed as selfish, unkind or cold I thought I was often doing for others good.
What’s another one of those lines from these kind of movies that the superhero always says…? ‘Everyone I love gets hurt’. I figured better I push them away as kindly and as gently as I can before the real monster comes out and really hurts them.
Then the ultimate question why not take the superhero and the villain out of the equation all together? If both are dead surely everyone would be happy?
How wrong I was.
It’s not fun to admit these things but it gives an insight somewhat into how someone in mental turmoil might think.
Yet it’s not a sacrifice I was making, I am not a monster and those I thought I was saving I only ended up hurting more. I only discovered this through realising I’m a blessing not a curse, I’m strong because I know what it’s like to feel so very weak, I’m compassionate as I’ve known piercing pain. I need to live, I have to live and I will live.
My mind and body are my own they do not control me, and what I feed into them is ultimately what comes out, and I had been feeding them so much hatred and negativity for too long. Once I took that anger and stopped turning it on myself anymore I learnt to channel it towards all these lies I had told myself and believed for so long, then I fought and I fought for my life. I do it every day and it gets easier but silent battles are hard to justify to others when you feel like they want to see your battle scars.