Month Numbero Four
Well it’s hard to believe I’ve been 4 months without a drink now and only 2 more to go!!!
This month has probably been the hardest in all honesty. Not just the sobriety side of it as I find myself no longer really craving an alcoholic drink, but instead having days when I feel it would be really nice to have one or just wanting to sit down relax and unwind with a drink. Other than these thoughts and the occasional urge to ‘hit the town’ I seem to struggle less and less as time goes on.
The reason this month has been the hardest is the realisations I have come to with my sober mind. Being haunted by memories and nightmares of the things I have said and done when incredibly intoxicated. The realisation of what I did to myself and what others have done to me too. Then the hardest of all the realisations I encountered was that of realising who your true friends really are, and I often hate a phrase such as this as it almost seems like emotional blackmail but it really is true. So many are not here anymore, and it’s caused me to have many lows and left me with a lingering yet intense feeling of loneliness.
This feeling of isolation has bought up many emotions most of which I cannot connect to specifically, but I guess the vulnerability of speaking about something I don’t quite understand can be both relieving and scary at the same time. You feel so vulnerable (especially emotionally) you worry and fear one wrong comment, one misplaced foot could send you off the edge! Yet the more open and honest I am, the more I try to communicate these things the more I realise that the worse doesn’t often happen and when it does I still in time manage to stand back up again.
So another roller-coaster month but one which has really confirmed to me the power of speaking out and the importance of attempting to communicate what is going on in my mind, so to help others and myself understand better how to live and how to support someone with mental health struggles.